My son’s a failure. (Alternate title: Breast isn’t always best)

1 Aug

I took Trenton for a weight check yesterday. He’s been below the 5th percentile since his 4 month check (11lbs 9oz). At 5 months he dropped even further below (12lbs 1oz). We decided to start rice cereal at that point in hopes that he would chunk it up.

His 6 month appointment came around and we had a ‘jump,’ if you will, all the way up to just below the 5th percentile (13lbs 1oz). Just to be safe, we decided we’d check again in a month to make sure he’s staying on track.

13lbs 15 ounces. He plateaued on the growth chart.

Failure to Thrive.

Our doctor felt that she needed to refer us to the Children’s Hospital. After discussing breastfeeding and my Levothyroxin medicine, we decided to test his thryoid, check for anemia and look for lead in his blood. In addition, stop breastfeeding. Knife to the heart.

I have been so proud of myself for being able to continue breastfeeding this long. My supply has been diminishing and we’ve been supplementing with formula at daycare. But first thing in the morning and last thing at night, it was just the two of us. Our special time together. My free pass from cleaning up after dinner or helping Emberly do her pre-bedtime routine. I’m not going to lie, I enjoyed the extra weight loss and am a little saddened to think about that possible weight coming back. I know that’s selfish, but that wasn’t my running force behind continuing breastfeeding. Sure, not having to pay for formula, weight loss, and the guaranteed 40 minutes of Candy Crush pump time at work daily were all benefits that I’m going to miss, I’m really saddened by the fact that [b]I[/b] will not be the one providing his nutrition. There’s just something magical and heartwarming knowing that your child looks to you, personally, to help fill their belly and soul. It’s National Breastfeeding Month to boot! Celebrate amongst yourselves, I’ll be in the corner with a bottle of wine…which I can now drink in entirety since I no longer need to worry about it passing through my breastmilk to T-man. Bright side, folks.

We contemplated waiting a month to see how he does with the calories from formula instead of my breastmilk, but after talking with my sister (the nurse) and B, we decided to do the referral now. You never know how long it will take for them to fit us in, and I sure as hell don’t want to push it to the next calendar year for another deductible wait even longer to figure out what may be the cause of his slow weight gain. Of course, B and I aren’t exactly big people, but we need to figure out why Trenton isn’t staying on a normal curve.

If you have a few positive thoughts to spare, please send them to Trenton’s fat cells. Also, if you know of any good food charts/logs for babies, send them my way. I figure it’s best to start noting that now instead of having Children’s suggest it and bring us back a month later.

I’ve missed you all. Let’s make this interaction happen more frequently, yes?

My computer, or WordPress, may be going through the window.

24 Apr

I just completed recounting Trenton’s entire birth story, constantly hitting “Save Draft” only to have it all deleted by two quick hits of a random key.
Fuck me running.
I may have that post for you soon, barring it taking me another 16 weeks to get motivated to type it all out.

Making Monday Morning more bearable.

22 Apr

A little video taken yesterday. Emberly has a new biggest fan who thinks she’s hilarious! Hopefully this makes you smile on this craptastic Monday morning.

I had high expectations…

16 Apr

I thought returning to work would give me ample time to dust of this here blog.

But then I had to catch up on what everyone else wrote.

I was (am) so excited to share T’s birth story

But then I had actual work to do! (The horror! Ridic.)

I was going to start putting little Emberly-isms up this week

But then Candy Crush Saga happened.

My life, as we know it, is ceasing to exist. If you need me, feel free to send me a life (not necessarily a real one, just one on the game.)

I’ll see you all on the other side. I only have 298 more levels to pass.

I may have announced to my coworkers (all of whom are currently addicted. We’re not getting much accomplished “work” wise but we’re bonding…or some BS like that) when I hit level 51 and the damn chocolate started multiplying, “Shit just got real guys!”

I’ll blog soon…maybe…next time I run out of lives.

…and we’re back.

28 Mar

Just like that, 12 weeks of baby snuggling and daytime tv are over. Yesterday was my first day back to work.

welcom back photo

I’m not going to lie, everyone else was way more excited about my return than I was. I had grown accustomed to spending the days snuggling with T and picking E up early from daycare to hang with me. Hell, I even had a good daytime tv schedule figured out. Let’s just say I can solve a murder like nobody else thanks to Bones and Castle. I might even look in to a career change.

Really though, it’s good to be back. My brain needed the stimulation and adult conversations. I’ll have more downtime at work to blog more. It’s even nice to know that Trenton’s getting more stimulation at daycare with all the kiddos loving on him. I thought for sure that he’d be passed out when we got home last night. Other than a 20 minute cat nap, kid was good to go.  I think he was still excited from his eventful day of new experiences. It was also nice to hear how much Embelry loved having him at daycare with her.

I’m still mourning the fact that I will never have that much time off from work again. It’s depressing knowing that I am back to regular life and there’s no hope of changing that routine. At the same time, I know I’m not meant to be a stay at home mother. We’d all end up on medications or on mental health holds if that were the case. The only light at the end of the never ending tunnel (besides knowing I get to pick up my kids every afternoon) is that I think I’m finally giving up my second job.

That’s right. You heard it here first. B and I have discussed this and I think it’s best for all of us mentally if I don’t return. Sure the pocket book is definitely going to fill it, but for once, I’m excited. I’m excited to come to the family business for work and not have to dread what day it is due to whether or not I’m on-call that evening. I’m so excited to be able to live each day for itself and not just because I’ll be back on-call in a few days. I know I’ll have days where I still won’t be thrilled and I’ll be grouchy and short tempered. I know I’ll periodically contemplate going back to help pay the bills. I’ll miss the interaction with the staff, clients, law enforcement and hospital staff. It was nice being needed. I will miss people hoping I was the one on call with which they got to deal. Getting inside info about the happenings of the local hospitals. Still, I think it’s time. I’ve been doing this “part-time” job since June of 2007. I think I’ve put my degree to great use, even if I didn’t put the paycheck to great use by not paying off my student loans. shut your mouth. we had fun with the money and that’s all that matters (at least that’s what I keep telling myself in order to not be wrought with guilt on not paying more bills with it.).

So now with all of this extra time on my hands, I will focus it on enjoying these two instead of wasting it on anxiety about possibly getting called out.

Trenton and Emberly

Fingers crossed the postpartum anxiety I had with Emberly doesn’t return.

Emberly’s 4th

27 Feb

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On the 15th of this month, my baby girl turned 4. In honor of that milestone, I decided to start asking her questions each year on her birthday. This is our inaugural year. Many bloggers have done this. The template of questions I used I found from pinterest and they are originally from Erin. I had issues getting the template to download correctly, so I just retyped the questions and Emberly’s answers below. Enjoy!

How old are you?     Four

What is your favorite color?     Pink

What is your favorite animal?     A Horse 

What is your favorite book?     Max and Cat (more widely known as “The Cat in the Hat”)

What is your favorite movie?     The Lorax

What is your favorite song?     Twinke, Twinkle Little Star (Although I’m quite amazed that beat out ‘Call Me Maybe’ and ‘Dynamite’ by Taio Cruz)

What is your favorite food?     Macaroni and Cheese

What is your favorite drink?     Water

What is your favorite breakfast food?     Pancakes

What is your favorite snack?     Pears

What is your favorite outfit?     My pink Seattle heart shirt that daddy gave me.    

What is your favorite game?     The driving game (her new SmartCycle she received for her birthday)

What is your favorite toy?     My Mickey Mouse game where you have to find the stuff (a Mickey Mouse box set that has hidden objects and pictures with differences you have to point out)     

Who is your best friend?     Jade (her cousin)

What is your favorite thing to do?     Go get donuts

What is your favorite thing to do outside?     Swim in the swimming pool.

What is your favorite holiday?     Halloween. I can eat all that candy. gulp gulp gulp. and then I burp it out.

What do you like to take to bed with you at night?     My Tacomas and my blanket

Where is your favorite place to go?     The swimming pool!

What is your favorite restaurant?      The baby Mexican restaurant. (our local Mexican restaurant has a picture of a man sitting down with a huge sombrero on his head. She thinks it’s a baby.)

Where do you want to go on vacation?     To Denver like where that motel is where we went for two nights. (oh to be so easily pleased.)

What do you want to be when you grow up?     A Ballerina

What did you do on your birthday?     I played on my cycle game. I gave treats to everyone at school. I played at Heather’s with Jade and gave out treats. We went to dinner at the Mexican restaurant.

Happy birthday, Emberlou. I love you more than you’ll ever know. We’ve had an amazing year full of adventures, trials and triumphs. Here’s to another year full of memories. Your strong will will get you to more places than others. It’s one thing I love about you, even when you’re using that will to test your limits with your father and me. You have been such an amazing big sister from the get to. Trenton is definitely lucky to have you as his big sister.

You are my heart and we share many similarities…not all of which am I proud. But you are you and that is all I can ask for. You are amazing and will accomplish anything you put your mind to. Stay strong, stay brave, stay you. Always.

I love you Buster! Happy 4th birthday.

 

A week ago today…

9 Jan

This handsome little gentleman quickly entered the world and our lives. Trenton Thomas:

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Now as soon as I can not be exhausted from running two errands, I’ll let you all in on Trenton’s amazing birth story. Until then, enjoy the pics and follow me on Instagram

Trenton and big sis, Emberly:

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It’s a Christmas Day Miracle

21 Dec

I don’t know if it has to do with the holiday season, the end of me being on-call until at least mid-April or the impending Mayan apocalypse but…

I think I’m finally okay and ready for this baby to come!

Now I just need to finish my to-do list. I finally watched some instructional videos on how to fix the clothe diapers and I’m feeling pretty confident. But emotionally, I think I’m finally ready. We have it narrowed down to two names/three name combinations, so that’s a plus. Of course, I’m still open to suggestions.

Let’s enjoy this actual moment of happi/content-ness. Everyone come over! Emberly’s getting sugar cookie mix with a snow man cookie cutter in her stocking from the elves tomorrow. She can wait on us while you help me finish up the list!

My twelve days of Christmas

13 Dec

To get this blog in to the Christmas spirit, I figured I’d take some time from perusing random gifts online to share with you twelve “gifts” in my life at this point. Don’t worry, this isn’t a post about how great everything is, it’s more of a place to count down some of the stuff that’s been going on. Enjoy. (Also, no ‘true love’ gave me all of this sh*t. Let’s just stop that over-romanticized commercialization of fantasy love end right here 😉 )

12 loads of laundry. (thanks to my awesome sis for giving me 7 boxes/bags of hand me down boy clothes)

11 to-do items (left to do before the baby arrives)

10 more videos to upload from my phone! (Trying to get that accomplished before Emberly’s Christmas concert…TONIGHT! Hurry up YouTube!)

9 times I use the restroom(per two hour time frame)

8 blog posts in my head (half started but no where near completed)

7 tabs open on my Firefox (Let’s consider it multi-tasking, shall we?)

6 pounds gained since last two week appointment (oopsies. You know it’s not great when the doc asks, “What happened?!”)

5 weeks left til my due date! (Holy f*ck)

4 diapers that need replaced (While I’m not huge in to gender stereotypes, I can’t bring myself to put the pink clothe diapers on to my son’s bottom.)

3 nights of on-call left! (tell maternity leave mother f*ckers! End date of maternity leave from on-call position TBD)

2 more family members for which to buy (most likely going to be gift certificates. I’m unique and thoughtful like that)

1 boy’s name to decide on! (yeah, no rush. Hopefully this kid is named before we leave the hospital)

What’s going on in your world? Wanna help me with my things?!

 

The magical world of grieving through a 3 year old’s eyes.

23 Oct

My last remaining grandparent has been fighting a good fight these last few years. Worsening dementia and the loss of my grandfather over two years ago had put her on a downward spiral. Of course, she’s a feisty little thing, and refused to go down with out a fight. She’s been under the care of hospice for over 6 months now, always keeping the caregivers on their toes.
Sunday afternoon I received a text from my mother. For the second time in over two weeks, hospice felt that it was her time and she’d be passing shortly.
Sadly, this whole scenario had almost become old hat. We’ve gotten similar texts or calls where hospice had felt that she was going down hill and it wouldn’t be long. Of course, each time we responded believing it would the this time.
Emberly and I had gone to the park Saturday with some cousins, and had a great time. Since I knew it would be difficult to get Emberly to leave willingly, I had to come up with an errand. We were going to go to the flower store across the street from Gma’s assisted living facility.
We pulled up shortly after 12 and the shop was closed. A little upset we weren’t going to be taking flowers to Gma or seeing the koi pond at the flower shop, we were still determined to visit and have a joyous afternoon.
As per the usual, Gma was laying in bed sleeping. She awoke quite easily though, but told us she was feeling lousy. This was not the usual with her. She always put on a brave face and most likely didn’t remember how she was doing. Still, we had an enjoyable visit even with answering the same question 4 times. God love dementia.
When I left Sunday to be by her side, Emberly was a little concerned that she didn’t get to go with me, but playing and nap time overran her desire to steal Gma’s candy that day. She was in bed when I finally came home. The next morning, Emberly was up earlier than usual, in greater spirits than normal. It was a very welcomed surprise. Luckily it was too early for her to remember why I was gone the afternoon before, so I did not have to deal with the dreaded questions.

Yesterday was rough. My sister and I went in to town to take our mother a much needed caffeine fix since my mother spent the night with Gma. We had planned for a short visit followed by picking up lunch for our hubbies on our way back to work. Upon our arrival, we were greeted with Father giving Gma her last rights. Apparently it was serious this time. From 11:30 on, the hospice nurse was positive that it would happen very shortly.  Minutes turned in to hours, which led to B picking Embers up from daycare and doing the nightly routine, having conversations well beyond her years yet not over her head of which I would soon be learning. After a few hour battle with horrid congestion, Gma finally took her last peaceful breath at 8:30 last night.

Everyone was in bed when I was finally able to return home after helping hospice tend to Gma’s body, and the funeral taking to prepare her for the next step. So, it wasn’t until this morning, after I had long been cried out, that B told me of his conversation with Emberly last night.

“Where’s mom?”

-She’s visiting Gma.

“I wanna visit Gma. Can I go?”

-No sweetie. Gma isn’t feeling very well.

“Well, I could give her a hug and a kiss. That would help.”

-That’s very nice of you, but Gma’s really sick honey. You can’t go over right now. Gma’s on her way to heaven to be with Hoss and Jackson.

“Oh, well, I could pick her up and carry her to Hoss and Jackson. I can help her!”

-That’s very nice of you honey, but we can’t carry Gma to where she is going.

I’m so glad that she and B were able to have that amazing conversation…and glad that I wasn’t the one stuck with those questions. I just wish I could face death with the same naive misunderstanding. At least I have her to make things brighter.

A few weeks ago, while taking my mother out to dinner, I pointed to the TV in the restaurant showing stock puppy footage. Emberly asked when we could get another doggy. I told her not until after the baby comes.

“Well, so, after the baby, can we have a puppy in your tummy?!”

Um, no. We’re not going to do that. Although, sometimes I wish the world were as magical as they perceive it to be.
RIP Gma. I hope to drink a glass of wine every night until I’m 89. You are an amazing woman and inspiration. We love you and will miss you deeply.