I had my daughter, Emberly, in February. The first two weeks were rough filled with a constant roller coaster of emotions, crying over how much I loved her and then crying over the fact that our doctor was moving in August (we all know how hard it is to find a doctor that you love and trust). But, once I got into the swing of things and into somewhat of a routine with Emberly, things got better. I was loving life and maternity leave. Everything was great, until I went back to work.
The first week back was fine. I had to try and remember what needed to be done when, yadda yadda yadda. It wasn’t until the second week back that I started feeling sad. I had been reading a very inspirational, yet heartbreaking, blog since I was on maternity leave. I handled the content fine when I was at home. Sure I’d cry at some of the stories, but I was always able to move on. The sadness started lurking once I was back at work. I’d feel the heartache longer after each post, and eventually it just took over. I was depressed. I was so happy with my husband and my daughter, but I just couldn’t shake it. I had a need to cry every day. I couldn’t explain it, I just had to. I would cry before picking up my daughter from daycare, I would cry after thinking about someone. I would just cry.
I knew I needed to do something, but wasn’t sure what. I figured I had three choices: get on meds, increase my caffeine intake or start writing.
Zoloft: I had been on it once before and loved it. I felt happy. Things wouldn’t bother me and I was generally in a good mood. And while my husband tends to have issues with anything psychological, he thoroughly enjoyed me on the meds. Hell, who wouldn’t? I mean, never feeling angry or sad, that sounds like heaven, right? My concern with going back on though, was that I was breastfeeding. I wasn’t sure if it would effect Emberly at all and I wanted to make sure whatever I did was safe for her.
Mt. Dew: Really, it’s the cure-all. I mean, caffeine is always a great mood lifter. For awhile, one Mt. Dew in the afternoon would help carry me through a few hours. But let’s face it, who really needs the extra 180 calories for each uplifting can? Remember, we’re dealing with a post-partum body here. The last thing I need is to tack on even more calories.
Blogging: I figured since reading a blog had gotten me to this point, maybe writing one could get me out. Writing can be so releasing. And for some reason, it’s so much easier for me to open up to strangers via the internet than it is for me to actually admit what’s going on to the ones around me. (sounds like a Dateline episode just waiting to be filmed doesn’t it? I request Chris Hanson to be the anchorman.) I think a lot of it has to do with wondering if my family and friends would be judging me. I’d always be wondering if they’d think I was weak or a bad mother. At least in the internet world, there’s a greater chance for me to meet someone who understands and can give me unbiased help. And I don’t have to face any of you on a daily basis with condescending or pity looks.
So, what route did I decide to take to get me back to the life of happiness? All three. It’s all or nothing baby. A few weeks ago I finally decided that I needed to see my doctor when I could not for the life of me stop crying. That was the last straw. I was crying over nothing and I couldn’t stop. I have since been on Zoloft and am gradually feeling better. I use the Mt. Dew when I need that extra kick. And the blogging, well I think you’re answering that question by reading this. Hopefully I’ll be able to post frequently. Nothing bothers me more than getting in to a blog that just stops producing. Of course, I’m assuming I’ll have followers, so maybe that will make a difference.
721 words, shit. I think that is probably breaking a blog rule. Too much content. You’ll have to help keep me straight with what’s blog PC. I’m new to this, bare with me. Plus, I’m PPD, and you definitely don’t want to get on someone’s bad side with that! You know, their hormones are all out of whack and what not 😉