The Beginning of the End

1 Jul

of breastfeeding, that is. I’m afraid that I will need to give it up soon. I had initially wanted to do it for the first six months. However, the camping trip has pretty much put the ax on that. First off, my stored supply was cut dramatically. Secondly, Embers got even more comfortable with the bottle. She’s now having issues eating off of me. She’ll start, but gets irritated quickly. She hasn’t formed a preference for formula, just the bottles. And I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can handle being an exclusive pumper with a hand pump. There’s no way I’m spending $150 for an electric one that I’d only use for two more months.

I’m really torn about what to do. I want to be able to continue until the 6 month mark. I think it’d be nice to be able to breastfeed her when we fly to Washington at the end of the month. I think that would help calm her down for the flight. Of course, I don’t really want to have to worry about pumping and making sure I have enough milk while we’re there.  Aside from losing out on the obvious benefits of breastfeeding (i.e. bonding with Emberly, helping her with staying healthy and immunized) there are some selfish reasons I’d like to continue too. For one, I’m the lightest I’ve been in YEARS people. I’m a good 10-15 lbs lighter than I was before my BFP. If I quit breastfeeding, I’ll definitely need to watch how much I’m putting in to my body. Secondly, it’s so nice to just have instant food. No preparing of bottles, no cleaning bottles, no worrying about how much I’m using or have left in my supply. It saddens me to know that Emberly no longer prefers eating from me. I feel rejected.  And part of me is annoyed that I won’t be able to make it to the six month mark. I’ve spent most of the last months (at least since returning to work) trying to justify to my husband and my father why it’s beneficial for me to continue. They’ve been so against it that I just want to continue so I can give a big ol’ middle finger to them. I’m such an indecisive person. My husband gives me shit about it all.the.time. So it boggles me why he would choose to be anti-breastfeeding when he realizes that I finally made a decision that is important. It’s like a huge slap in my face. The one thing I have control over is now being taken away. I know that I could try eating the breastfeeding cookies, continue drinking Mother’s Milk Tea, or even pump more often for longer periods. But you know what, maybe it’s time to call it quits. Give my boobies a rest. (It’s amazing the different forms a nipple can take on!) Start just enjoying my time with Emberly rather than stressing about pumping more milk or having enough for daycare or wondering if she ate enough. I think today is the beginning of the final phase of breastfeeding. Get ready for posts about huge hard boobs and unbelievable pain. Posts where I’m crying b/c I feel so guilty for not sucking it up and continuing to almost exclusively breastfeed Ems. Posts where I seem like an utterly insane person b/c I’m back on Mt. Dew (those will come a bit later, I’m still testing out my theory.) Now I must think about how quickly I want this chapter to end. I’m not ready to throw in the towel, maybe just a rag.


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