I have a lot of them. They encompass almost my every other thought. I can’t stop them. Just when I think I’m doing good, another one will pop into my head uninvited. How do I cope with this? By reading sad blogs naturally. I still have this need to feel what they’re feeling. In some ways I think that if I can tag along on their journey, feeling even just a minuscule of what they’re feeling, it will help prepare me if I’m ever in that situation. I’m constantly waiting for the shoe to drop. I keep fearing that something horrible is going to happen to someone I love.
I put Emberly to sleep, and I worry that she’ll roll onto her stomach and not roll herself back. When she sleeps through the night, I worry that when I go in to get her, she won’t be alive. This is constantly running through my head. I don’t know how I manage to not sleep in her room. I think it’s because I know Britt will think I’m insane, and maybe I am. I’m actually relieved when she wakes up in the middle of the night because I know she’s still alive. I keep waiting for the 6month and 1 year mark to come along so I can be done with worrying about SIDS or a fucking virus. I have mini freak-outs in my head when I show up to Daycare and she’s sleeping in the swing with a blanket over her. My entire body is on edge up until I pull the blanket away and see her sucking on her pacifier. I dread leaving her anywhere. I fully trust everyone I leave her with, but you never know. Accidents can happen and accidents do happen. I’m always worrying that my phone will ring with some horrible news. I worry that any cough or sniffle could be something worse. I wonder if that new sound she’s making is a warning or just something she’s learned.
Because I never know when or if something is going to happen, I’ve become a hoarder of sorts. Maybe you’d consider it more as me being lazy and not wanting to clean or put things away. Emberly’s bassinet is still next to my side of the bed, the sheet unwashed and her old hat that used to keep her warm when our heating went out hanging on the bed post. I fear that as soon as I put this stuff away, or wash it, something will happen and I won’t be able to have those things to remind me of her. It’s like I’m constantly preparing for how I will grieve her loss. It’s sickening really. I truly live every moment I have with her full of love and joy, but I can’t stop myself from feeling this way. My world would crumble without her and I want to make sure that I am constantly surrounded by her.
I don’t only do this with Emberly. Britt had given me roses the Friday before Emberly was born for Valentine’s Day. They’re still sitting on my counter. For a few weeks, an arrangement MIL gave us for Emberly’s birth was sitting next to it. When Britt went to Reno for some training, I threw away the birth arrangement but kept the flowers he gave me. I just couldn’t throw them away. What if his plane went down, what if he had an accident in Reno? Those would be the last thing he gave me. Those would be the last physical evidence Emberly would have of her father and what an amazing man he is. This is the shit running through my head on a daily, if not hourly, basis. Sure the Zoloft is helping. I don’t cry now when I think about it. But the thoughts are still there. They still make me want to find more blogs to read. I think part of me needs to continue finding and reading these types of blogs not only to feel what they’re feeling, but to let them know that their loved one mattered. They’re not the only one that was affected by their loved one’s life. While I never had the opportunity to meet their loved one, or probably even them, I still feel their loss. They mattered. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of. If I don’t keep these things, if I don’t blog, who will ever know how wonderful my daughter and husband are? Who will grieve with me? Whose lives would they not touch? I think every parents’ dream is that their child makes a difference at least in someones life. I guess this is just my way of making sure Emberly does and that others know theirs do. They’re loved ones make a difference to me through their writings.