It’s that time of the year where everyone bundles up and forces their children to sit uncomfortably in the middle of an uneven pastures full of pumpkins. And why should the internets be spared pictures of my gorgeous kidling and nieces?! (NONE of this easy post has anything to do with the fact that Emberly has been battling the flu since Wednesday night.)
I’ve been doing a little soul searching lately, trying to decide how I really feel about things. I’ve been exercising more, trying to get back in to breastfeeding shape (have we concluded whether or not it’s acceptable to pump even when not nourishing a child?) I’m still hoping that the exercise will get me to feeling better, but there are moments where I’m just about to dial the pharmacy to fill my Zoloft.
For awhile I was just kind of going through the motions of married life. To me, it felt more like we were roommates. I didn’t want to get my heart invested into our relationship again only for him to break my trust and respect. Last week, I was reading a blog that I regularly read and love (and rarely, if ever, comment on) and she linked to another blog that really changed my perspective. Sandi gave me a whole new outlook on my marriage with this post. Sandi didn’t write it for me, and I have yet to comment to her letting her know what it meant to me. I should probably get on that. Sandi, if this tracked back to me, THANK YOU. For me, so easily lately, it’s felt like divorce is always an easy-ish option. I know, I know, divorce isn’t easy. But it felt like it was always there as an out. I conned myself into believing that it was merely a matter of time until my husband and I were divorced. Isn’t that sad? I mean, our relationship isn’t even that horrible. Sure we have our moments and we have a lot of shit to work through, but it’s us. We made the shit bed and now we have to lie in it, or at least wash the sheets.
So many times while we were fighting or he’d do something to piss me off, I wouldn’t even bother and trying to think of how we could make things right. How could we patch this up? No, it was just another bump in the road until our eventual demise. I never told Britt this, I just assumed he felt the same way. Things would be said, and we both stopped trying to apologize for the wrong we had done, instead blaming the other. We’ve all heard that 50% of marriages end in divorce. You never set out thinking that will be you, and lately, it just seems like a more acceptable decision. Can’t get along? Don’t want to admit any of it is your fault? Divorce is definitely the answer. I’ve had many friends get divorces, and rightfully so. Their marriages were just not right for either person in the relationship. Sure there are times I think that I would be a million times happier single and fancy free (minus that whole raising a productive member of society thing). Sandi, reminded me that the damn grass isn’t always greener. And I might be the one solely in charge of said grass! I thank her for that.
I realize now that even if we do end up in divorce, how can I expect any other relationships to be good, solid, strong relationships if I don’t even try to make this one like that? I can’t just wash my hands of a situation because it’s getting hard and I’m tired of hurting. No, I need to continue to not only stand up for myself, but I need to start standing up for our relationship. It’s going to take time for me to open up again and let myself be somewhat vulnerable, albeit nowhere near as vulnerable as I was. I owe it to all of us, Britt, Emberly and myself, to give our family another chance. I need to remember that we will still fight, but that doesn’t mean we need to attack each other brutally. We need to remain open and honest, and if we can’t manage to make it work from there, we can join the other 50%.