Archive | August, 2011

There’s no bigger rejection than the absence of that second line.

19 Aug

I know we haven’t been trying for #2 (hehehe) very long. Yet, it’s still taken longer than any of my sisters’ pregnancies to get that annoyingly immediate mood enhancing plus sign. My problem is that I should not be allowed to purchase pregnancy tests. As soon as they’re in my hand, I have this deep seeded need to pee on them immediately. They can’t just sit in that bottom vanity drawer in the bathroom and wait patiently until AFTER my period is due. No. For some reason I think every time that I’m going to be that miraculous person where I’m able to determine my pregnancy just days after ovulation.

Then there’s the obsession with reading and rereading the directions, as if this brand of tests is somehow different from the hundreds of others already used. And you know immediately. No matter how many times I check that stick, the true results are immediate. The positive or negative reading appears before the test line does. The 2 minute wait is bullshit. And yet, I still recheck for the next 2 hours just in case that second line decides to pull through. Not even a faint line to keep me going. Just another rejection telling me I have another month of waiting and heartache.

Another month of trying to time it right while still making it enjoyable. Another month trying to come to terms with the fact that my body just doesn’t like to do things on it’s own. But another month closer to getting the medical interventions that are most likely necessary for me to get that second line.

Every month, the hope that my body will pull through for me. That I’m not broken, I do deserve this other life. Time and time again, another month where I’m slapped in the face with a single line that makes me question fate. Is there some cosmic reason for the absence of a second line, of a baby? Is the world trying to tell me something I’m just too blind to see?

Still, every month brings me closer to that October deadline to keep the grandchildren a year apart in school. Maybe the world’s trying to help me not have to make the decision to hold my second child a year before starting school, all for the sake of a family phenom…six kids in six consecutive grades.

So I’ll take this rejection and give myself some grieving time. Then I’ll dry my eyes, grab my Emberly and hug her until she won’t let me anymore. Then I’ll sneak in one more little squeeze and be happy with my one true love in life.

Big Z little z, what begins with z?

17 Aug


A Zizzer zazzer zuzz as you can plainly see! (and no, I did not tell her to do that weird pose at the end. She must have thought we were shooting senior pictures.)

Needless to say, Dr. Seuss’ ABC book is currently one of Emberly’s favorite. However, we’re still in the process of learning C from Z:

If you can’t hear her, she keeps saying “Camel on the ceiling. C c C.” Until the end where she adds her little sassitude to “as you can PLAINly see.” Sorry, I’m new to the whole Youtube phenom and my phone is just a wee bit under par 😉


The one where a degree in Psychology isn’t beneficial

16 Aug

Of course, if you ask my non supportive husband, that would  be always. (You would think that after 5 years of marriage and 9 years together total, he would become aware of how easily influenced he is by Reverse Psychology. However, that’s a post for another day.) Today, it’s about how my Psychology background freaked me the f*ck out instead of keeping calm and informed.

You see, I was flipping through one of Emberly’s coloring books she received for Christmas. She had recently really gotten in to wanting to color. I was excited. I could not wait to see what masterpieces my obviously genius daughter had created. In my head I was seeing college scholarships, her own wing in the Louvre, and the glorious amount of presents she would surely be purchasing for the one who inspired it all…me. But then, I opened the coloring book and found this:

Which prompted an immediate picture text to one of my coworkers at the Mental Health Center. I gave her no props on what the coloring was from, instead asking what she thought. Her initial response, “Interesting eyes colored/blacked out and choice of colors. young child saw something?” Immediately my stomach dropped. I knew the “scratching out” of the eyes was a bit concerning. Hell, we’ve all seen horror/Lifetime movies where there is either a demented evil child coloring like this or a poor abused child trying to express what they’ve seen. I immediately replied letting my coworker know that those were colored by Embers. As far as I knew, or felt in my stomach, Emberly hadn’t seen or been victim to anything. But we never know in this day and age, do we?

I was still feeling a bit uneasy and second guessing every interaction Emberly’s had with any other human being with me and without me. Was I a horrible mother that was turning a blind eye to my daughter’s cries for help? Was there something a muck at daycare? Will we be having to go to court for something Emberly saw?! Do I need to put her in a bubble and never let her leave the house?!?!?!

And then I turned through a few more pages in the book and found this:


Apparently Emberly just likes to focus on certain spots and color the shit out of them. Once I was able to calm down and focus my eyes on the text from my friend, I read that it could just be where she is developmentally. If E had been 4/5/6, these drawings could mean a whole lot more.

For now, I’m going back to pre-spending all of the money love Emberly is sure to be showering me with using all of her art earnings.

This parenting shit is for the birds. Someone remind me why I’ve been entrusted with someone else’s well-being…and why I’m wanting yet another life for which I am responsible.

5 years

8 Aug

We did it! We’ve now officially been married for half of a decade! Woot woot. While it definitely has not been all roses, we’ve made it through the countless ups and downs thrown at us and survived. Stronger.

Many things have changed in the years we’ve been together. Our ages continue to creep up while other body parts have started their descent. Our vacations no longer span countries or take us high in to the air.

Vacations now either require a pull-out couch or grandparents willing to watch Embers.* (photo courtesy of Angela with The Vintage Cupcake Photography photoshoot details to follow).

But none of that matters. No matter who’s standing in frontOr if we’re side by side

No matter what, we will continue on together as one family. United.

(photo courtesy of Angela)

Happy anniversary babe! Here’s to countless more years of ups and downs. I love you, even if you do continually beat me at Yahtzee!