There’s no bigger rejection than the absence of that second line.

19 Aug

I know we haven’t been trying for #2 (hehehe) very long. Yet, it’s still taken longer than any of my sisters’ pregnancies to get that annoyingly immediate mood enhancing plus sign. My problem is that I should not be allowed to purchase pregnancy tests. As soon as they’re in my hand, I have this deep seeded need to pee on them immediately. They can’t just sit in that bottom vanity drawer in the bathroom and wait patiently until AFTER my period is due. No. For some reason I think every time that I’m going to be that miraculous person where I’m able to determine my pregnancy just days after ovulation.

Then there’s the obsession with reading and rereading the directions, as if this brand of tests is somehow different from the hundreds of others already used. And you know immediately. No matter how many times I check that stick, the true results are immediate. The positive or negative reading appears before the test line does. The 2 minute wait is bullshit. And yet, I still recheck for the next 2 hours just in case that second line decides to pull through. Not even a faint line to keep me going. Just another rejection telling me I have another month of waiting and heartache.

Another month of trying to time it right while still making it enjoyable. Another month trying to come to terms with the fact that my body just doesn’t like to do things on it’s own. But another month closer to getting the medical interventions that are most likely necessary for me to get that second line.

Every month, the hope that my body will pull through for me. That I’m not broken, I do deserve this other life. Time and time again, another month where I’m slapped in the face with a single line that makes me question fate. Is there some cosmic reason for the absence of a second line, of a baby? Is the world trying to tell me something I’m just too blind to see?

Still, every month brings me closer to that October deadline to keep the grandchildren a year apart in school. Maybe the world’s trying to help me not have to make the decision to hold my second child a year before starting school, all for the sake of a family phenom…six kids in six consecutive grades.

So I’ll take this rejection and give myself some grieving time. Then I’ll dry my eyes, grab my Emberly and hug her until she won’t let me anymore. Then I’ll sneak in one more little squeeze and be happy with my one true love in life.

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4 Responses to “There’s no bigger rejection than the absence of that second line.”

  1. Devon Weaver August 19, 2011 at 10:30 am #

    I love you, Amanda. ❤

    • insertwittytitleheremomstired August 19, 2011 at 10:47 am #

      Well, I love you more 🙂

  2. Jen Chun August 20, 2011 at 1:18 pm #

    I can send you all of my sticks if you want. Then you can send me picture messages at 3a.m.

    • insertwittytitleheremomstired August 20, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

      You know I never turn down anything from Hawaii!

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