Archive | September, 2012

Tuesday Ten

25 Sep

Okay, I’m having a bit of an irritating day which was brought on by annoying people and just topped off by my post disappearing 8/10 of the way through. Needless to say, my original post idea is still very much needed. I’m going to STILL try and focus on the positives with 10 things that are making me happy lately. I will also be saving this damn one every other sentence so I don’t have to start over for a third time 😀 Please bare with me as I’m still a bit tired from staying up way too late watching the Seahawks game. Sorry to those of you who are still in an uproar about the last play of the game, but it made our house happy 🙂

1. Emberly had her school picture taken yesterday. It was so adorable. There is nothing more smile inducing than watching a bunch of elementary school kids all dolled up, anxious to put their feet on the painted outlines and smile their biggest, cheesiest smile to be forever aww’d upon by their parents and grandparents. And really, who didn’t love missing 20 minutes of class to get their picture taken?

2. Emberly brought home her first Scholastic Book Club order forms. I can pretty much guarantee that I was more excited about this than she was. I just loved the feel of that thin paper and the ability to circle unlimited amounts of books or posters I wanted. It always thrilled me that my mom let me purchase almost everything I wanted. Of course, I had no idea how inexpensive the books were compared to at an actual book store. Still, I went crazy and order $36 worth of books from Emberly’s forms. Hey, you can’t beat $1 for Charlotte’s Web! I also loved helping my mom separate her classroom’s orders when their shipment arrived. It felt so grown-up and librarian. Maybe I should work in Amazon’s stock room.

3. My on-call schedules are figured until I deliver. I am actually really excited about this. I only have three more 5 day stints and one more 4 day stint until just before I give birth. I still have my regular shifts, but those are the longest stints! Plus, I will have all of my shifts completed BEFORE Christmas. That means I can finally have a stress-free holiday. I haven’t had that since before 2007. It’s definitely needed. Sure I still have Thanksgiving to cover, but we can survive that.

4. My maternity leave is mostly covered. I have enough PTO and Extended Leave with my on-call job that I will continue to get a full paycheck through March! I’m so excited about that. It will definitely help supplement the loss from taking leave from my full-time family-owned job. Now I just need to finally decide whether or not I’ll be returning to take call in April. I’ve really been leaning towards no, but I’m sure I’ll end up freaking out about money and decide to take call again with a 3 month old breastfeeding. Plus, if they ask, I AM DEFINITELY coming back. Don’t want to get screwed out of my earned leave pay!

5. Halloween candy. Need I say more? Sure I just threw out the years worth of random holiday candy this weekend, but FRESH NEW HALLOWEEN CANDY!!!! Ems and I picked out two jumbo bags of assorted candy. I chose a Kit Kat variety pack, she choose a collection of Reese’s Pieces, Jolly Ranchers, Whoppers, Blow Pops and Milk Duds. On a related note, why do they always put one crappy kind of candy in each jumbo bag?! If you need to get rid of the shitty candy, STOP MAKING IT. It does NOT belong in my jumbo bag of cavities! I’m earning the dental work, the last thing I want to do is pay for a non-enjoyable candy AND dental experience.

6. Halloween decorations. Let’s just have full-disclosure here and note that I am not at all crafty or decorative. Hell, I haven’t logged in to my Pinterest account in over 7 months…not like I was going to do any of those things anyway. Emberly and I put up our limited Halloween decorations this weekend. She’s still trying to scare everyone with the giant spider I hung on our wall. It started out with me pranking her, then she pranked her dad, and now everyone must know about our spider! She even tries to scare me about a big spider on the wall at least three times a day, and I’m the one that put it there.

7. Pumpkin spice. Lattes, candles, pumpkins. I love it all. There’s just something magical about fall with all the falling colors, cool breezes and warming smells. It makes me happy. I can’t lie, it also made me happy when we stumbled upon the Christmas section at Target after making our way through the Halloween section. Bring on the holidays!

8. True friends. I have lots of friends. Many great friends who I adore and for whom I’d do anything. I, on the other hand, tend to not trust them. It’s not them, it’s me.I have a fear of letting people know how I truly feel, what’s really bothering me. What if I don’t want to hear their advice? What if I don’t follow their advice? What if they remember every single detail and throw it back in my face months down the road? What if they won’t take my other problems seriously after hearing about something else? These types of worries have always held me back. I’d rather suffer through the pain for longer, than deal with the possible ramifications of telling a “friend” something that would be used against me later. I finally let go of some of those feelings last week. I was having a minor crisis that really no one outside of my house knew was happening. I held it in for a day or so and finally broke in. I told one friend, and she was amazing. She listened to me vent, she bitched with me, she cried with me, and she made me laugh again. She understood how I was feeling, she knew exactly what I’d do and not do. She never pushed me and always listened. Every time we talked, it wasn’t all about me and my crisis. It was just two friends trying to make it through life. She changed my outlook more than she’ll ever know. I love her immensely, and have since before this. She knows who she is and I hope she knows how amazing she was to me. Even when one person has made me feel like I may not be able to trust again, she was there to show me that people can be amazing. I just need to let them close enough to see it.

9. Fall Premier Week. I am so excited that shows are starting up again. Now I can start getting anxiety about the DVR filling up and wondering when we’ll be able to fit in all of the shows! It’s a good problem to have, I think. Of course, I’m a little bummed I had to cancel recording Bones last night to watch the damn football game. What do they say? “Happy husband, happy…” shit, nothing good rhymes with husband. That must be why they stick with “Happy wife, happy life.” I’ll miss me some David Boreanaz this week. Let’s keep our fingers crossed Fox decides to re-air it in the near future!

10. What’s inside me. I never actually updated from my last post, but we DID find out what we’re having. Britt is beyond excited and I’m happy that we can prep Emberly for the arrival of her little baby…

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brother! Sure it may be inappropriate to post pictures of my son’s penis on the internet, but nobody said I was appropriate. I’m still undecided on if it’s better finding out the gender, as we have with this baby, or waiting until delivery like we did with Emberly. They’ve both been amazing moments.

What’s making you happy lately?

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The Predicament (in my head)…worries of a second time mom to be

4 Sep

There’s been something different about this pregnancy from the beginning. Sure there was immediate, long over-due excitement upon confirmation of conception, but it’s just felt different. With Embers, I was concerned with how our lives would change. We wouldn’t be able to just off and party out of town for the weekend. We wouldn’t be able to spend copious amounts of money on ridiculous non-necessities. This pregnancy, it’s filled with different worries.

I often catch myself already mourning the alone time I have with Ems, knowing that soon our focus will be on the baby. I know that this is really a great thing for all of us. The benefits of a sibling will far outweigh the time she has to split with us and the new baby. Yet, I’m still saddened to look at her joyous face and know that soon enough her excitement for the baby in mommy’s tummy making its debut will be overshadowed by mom and dad’s lack of time to play mindless tickle games with her.

When I was pregnant with Emberly, there were the constant worries that something would happen. The unknown. The unknown was generally put in to the back corner when the excitement of what a child will bring to our lives would shine through. All the tiny infant diapers and clothes, the crib not yet slept in, the changing pad with it’s freshly laundered cover not yet marked by the uncontrollable squirts of a baby, all of the new things that seemed impossibly small and wondrous gave peace to a sometimes waning heart.

Now, the stress of work, raising a preschooler, a marriage fraught with tribulations, it all seems more melancholy. The weekly belly pictures give way to once a trimester. The much needed afternoon rests are put on hold for a work phone call or book read. The anticipation of the gender scan ultrasound is now just another errand to run on an already packed Wednesday morning.

I’m at a loss and I don’t know where to go. I long for winter nights and holidays. The smell of fall and pumpkin spice permeating my senses. I can’t decipher if my longing is for a time of joyous occasions, the impending birth of this baby, or the possibility of being completely done with on-call work. Sadly, I think the anticipation of maybe, just maybe, being able to break free from the hell that is on-call is what I’m most anticipating. The unknown damages of how my stress about this job are potentially affecting this baby just propel the endless cycle of worry. Mere weeks before Christmas I will start taking my maternity leave from the on-call position. I think that’s what’s tying all of this together, the holidays, the newborn smells, the quick sigh of relief before life changes again.

Can you call it antenatal depression when you know what’s causing it?

And then the baby kicks and punches inside of my expanding uterus, and I’m brought back to the reality that I have an amazing human being growing inside of me, dependent on my every breath. A person that will hopefully be an amazing addition to this earth, a contributing member of society. The sadness takes a quick backseat to giddiness, and then guilt.

It’s said that even though you feel you won’t be able to love another child the way you do your first, it happens immediately. This bond, this love, never the same nor greater/lesser than the first. I yearn and fear for that. It feels almost selfish to want to love someone as much as I love Emberly. It forces me to wonder what the hell I’m doing? Do I think I can improve on what we’ve already created? Do I really want to start over with an infant? Hell, we’ve been diaper free for over a year and a half. Now I’ll be back to washing diapers, worrying about midnight feedings, when the last time was that I pumped, nurturing another human, praying that this one little fight or misstep doesn’t scar them for life or become the turning point in what would have been a promising abundantly peaceful life! Who makes this possible? Why was I agonizing for months to get this pregnancy that now has my mind riddled with greater fears?

Is it my indecisiveness holding back my excitement for my ultrasound? Do we not find out the gender, staying true to how we felt with Emberly’s pregnancy? Do we use this time to find out and help prep Ems for the impending sibling? Does any of this really even matter? Why should we be judged on whether or not we find out the sex of OUR child? And yet, everyone has an opinion. everyone but me.

It will get better. This baby and Emberly will be loved the same. I just need to make it through tomorrow.